Originally by Situation Theatre 27/07/2015
Updated and republished 4/6/2019
Heart disease is the scourge of our time.
The ALP has died. Doctors say the time of death was 2:52pm on Sunday.
His euthanising doctor, Anthony Albanese, issued a statement late Sunday afternoon: “The ALP died doing what he loved most in his later years: wading closely behind Scott Morrison into moral cesspools’.
We remember the much loved and maligned ALP...
Born in 1901, the ALP was raised in a working class family and imbued with democratic socialist values. Although his first few decades of life were tainted by support for the White Australia Policy, at least he made an effort to represent workers. A late bloomer, he hit his stride in his 70s, dividing his time between work on free education, land rights, universal healthcare, equal pay for women and anti-racist immigration. He also supported Indonesia’s invasion of East Timor, but it’s easiest to forget that bit.
The wheels started falling off in his 80s. Unduly influenced by his international friends, the ALP became a bit preoccupied with money and started to lose the trust of his working class mates and family.
This deterioration accelerated as he entered his 90s. Nostalgic for his childhood racism, in 1992 he decided to imprison many foreign guests in his basement for a while before releasing them into the community.
His health took a turn for the worse in 2001, suffering serious back and heart problems which plagued him until his death. Wearing underpants on his head and babbling incoherently for most of the last 20 years, he squandered the respect of his friends and family, who all deserted him.
He died a lonely, confused and desperate old man.