By Situation Theatre 24/1/2019
Have you asked for the intercession of the blessed Captain today?
Prime Minister Scott Morrison has escalated his fixation on the British explorer (who discovered a bunch of places only 60,000 years after hundreds of thousands of Indigenous people) from “weird obsession” to “disturbing fetish”. Not only is he spending $6.7 million commemorating imaginary achievements of the Virgin Brit, but he’s now calling on all loyal citizens to petition the Father of the Nation at least twice a day for white Australian purity.
The PM is demanding three Hail Captain Cooks be recited during ad breaks in the cricket and after a few tinnies at night.
The Three Hail Captain Cooks honour the three persons of the Blessed Aussie Trinity: the Father (Captain Cook), the Son (John Howard) and the Holy Spirit of Australia.
Mr Morrison said “The purpose is to honour the spotless Virginity of Captain Cook and his Immaculate Conception of Australia, and to preserve a perfect white purity of mind, heart and body in the midst of the dangers of cultural Marxism.”
In case you’ve been a naughty Australian and forgotten the words to the Hail Captain Cook, they are printed in full below:
Hail Captain Cook, full of grace,
Don Bradman is with thee.
Blessed art thou amongst patriots,
and blessed is the fruit of thy penis, Australia.
Holy Captain Cook, Father of the Nation,
pray for us sinners,
now and during the hours and hours of Sunrise. Amen.