By Situation Theatre 22/5/2019
I’m, like, the smartest non-Asian in year 11.
On Monday morning, many Australians found themselves staring into their morning coffee wondering whether burning their copy of the Sydney Morning Herald would retrieve the 10 IQ points they just lost reading my article.
I am a young, female, Victorian, inner city dweller, and other generic qualities that do a poor job of convincing you I’m real.
I made the decision to give my vote to the Liberal Party because I really like how they multi-task refugee torture and ecocide.
However, the elation I experienced on Sunday morning over the Liberal win was short-lived.
According to social media, I lack empathy with anyone who is not me, my family, or my best friends Madison and Imogen.
Wandering around the streets of Melbourne on this unseasonably warm Sunday (is there anything the mighty Liberal Party can’t do!?), I felt many negative emotions but no regret about the ballot I cast. Instead, I was sad that many people saw Liberal voters as worse than the bubonic plague for this country.
I would like our nation to take a collective deep breath and perhaps do a 10 day silent Vipassana meditation retreat because it will take that level of fortitude and equanimity to bear reading another word of this shit.
I would like to remind Australians of policies and laws that the "right" have enacted, although I’m not exactly sure how to use quotation marks.
I hope by copying some words from the Liberal website I might stop the rise of fascism and prevent the climate apocalypse.
The sentences below are copy pasted from the “achievements” section and are a reflection of how I’ve learned to use a computer.
Under the Menzies administration in 1962, voting rights were extended to Indigenous Australians. Granted, the Liberals have sabotaged self-determination for Aboriginal people ever since then, but that was probably Bill Shorten’s fault. He’s the bill you cant afford haha lol.
Harold Holt deserves a notable mention; in 1967 he held a referendum on the right for Indigenous Australians to be counted in the census. And good on Malcolm Turnbull for denying the right of Indigenous Australians to have a voice to all these years later.
The Liberal Party was also the first political party to have an Indigenous person in Parliament. Neville Bonner joined the Senate and served in the Liberal Party for 12 years. We even let them work for us!
Malcolm Fraser established SBS, accepted Vietnamese refugees after the war and strongly opposed apartheid, and then quit the Liberal Party in 2010 in disgust over their right-wing extremism.
This may be a little known fact unless you’d spent your morning Googling “Why is the Liberal Party so great”, but John Gorton introduced a parliamentary motion from the Opposition supporting the legalisation of same-gender sexual relations.
John Howard then changed the marriage act in 2004 to outlaw same-sex marriages.
Howard also reform on guns which makes up for the fact that he took Australia to war in Iraq based on a lie, a war which has killed hundreds of thousands of civilians.
Malcolm Turnbull as leader of the Liberal Party passed laws legalising gay marriage. Many will say there was an issue with entrenching homophobia in national discourse for years prior to this. Not me though, I’m pretty cool with it.
The Australian "right" has passed nation-changing laws that were not part of its mandate as a conservative party. It did so because they used not to be a party of fundamentalist, coal-fetishist, paedophile apologists ideologically committed to crimes against humanity.
To every Greens or Labor or other minor party supporter who feels saddened or disenfranchised by the Saturday election, these facts are for you. It’s a measure of my extraordinary ability to connect with people from all walks of life that it’s bound to get a great response on social media and make progressives feel all happy inside.
We who voted for the Coalition did not vote merely out of fear, naivety, bigotry and anger. We were also victims of an insidious scare campaign.
We voted for a party that will refuse medical treatment to suicidal children, entrench Indigenous poverty, and accelerate the devastating impacts of climate breakdown on the world’s poorest people by approving new mega-mines, but also waste all our national wealth on tax cuts and corruption scandals.
Labor supporters, I am sorry (not sorry) you were left blindsided and heartbroken. In time you will heal and I am sure rally around your new leader. But, for now, take it from someone who has made up a pseudonym, hasn’t provided a real photograph, and is probably an invention of someone on the payroll of the Liberal Party, that the members of the Coalition are not just monsters, rather they are Australia's preference for a third term.
Below you can see all the great work I’ve done apart from this article.