By Liam McLoughlin 12/05/15
1. $763 billion for a new fleet of “land submarines”.
2. $656 billion for Bjorn Lomborg’s therapist to end his nightmares. She's trying to convince Bjorn's subconscious mind that his life's work has not been a massive setback for humanity. They meet 43 times per week.
3. $533 billion to subsidise snacks at BHP Billiton meetings.
4. $487 billion for the National Amnesia Fund (NAF). This money will pay for NAF’s ongoing stellar work helping white Australians constantly forget they live on stolen land.
5. $398 billion for a fleet of tugboats to pull Nauru and Manus Island further out to sea.
6. Foreign Aid – leaving a total of $57.66 in the account. This will help Madagascar clean up in the aftermath of the recent riot of American schoolchildren. They became irate when they realised the giraffes sounded nothing like David Schwimmer. They were even more livid when they looked up Wikipedia and discovered Madagascar doesn’t even have giraffes.
7. Roads. Just kidding. There’ll be heaps more roads this year. This revolutionary system of roads will be supplemented by the government’s new National Monorail Network.
8. Abstract values of curiosity, love, integrity, honesty, compassion, hope and kindness – these will no longer exist.
9. The smiles of children – also gone.
10. Any government money that helps anyone who doesn’t look like these...people: