By Situation Theatre 7/3/2019

Much like Christmas Island prison, the government’s only reason for being is to signify cruelty.

Just in case anyone is unclear about whether the Liberals are still a political party or a barren wasteland devoid of humanity, Scott Morrison has sought to clear up the confusion by touring a desolate offshore concentration camp.

Using the potent visual metaphor of walking around a sterile, lifeless gulag, Scott Morrison really wanted to give voters a vivid sense of the Liberals’ Party Room.

Keen to give Australians a solid understanding of not just the atmosphere but also the kind of characters in his party, he simply invented profiles for refugees based on his own experience and that of his colleagues.

Mr Morrison described people who “engaged in suspicious financial transactions”, perpetrated identity fraud, and had a history of violence. He also mentioned those charged with murder, but that was harder for him to imagine because he was never charged for the murder of Reza Barati.

His description of characters who conduct sexual relationships with minors also took some creativity, given Liberals tend to protect paedophiles rather than engage in sex crimes directly.

While Mr Morrison could have spent $60,000 in taxpayer money flying to Nauru and Manus Island to look the people he’s been torturing in the eyes, instead he courageously flew into an empty prison camp to slander the dying victims of his critically endangered political ambition.

Like any good conservative leader, Mr Morrison took the opportunity at this $2000- a-minute press conference to malign sick refugees for scheming to get life-threatening illnesses in some kind of pernicious effort to gaslight Australians.

"I think those who thought that this would be some easy passage and would seek to try and take advantage and game the system, well, I think they are getting a very clear message that it won't be as simple as that," Mr Morrison said.

“In actual fact it’s as simple as joining the Liberal Party,” he added.