By Situation Theatre 1/4/2019

It’s been five days since by far the most electrifying television in Australian history and yet for some reason voting for the Gold Logie remains open.

Last Wednesday night, Miranda Tapsell and Nakkiah Lui took over hosting duties on the final episode of Get Krack!n. Why they haven’t since starting hosting every other show on television remains unclear. If you haven’t watched it and are currently conducting essential heart surgery, first, thanks for simultaneously reading this article, and second, please take the rest of the afternoon off and go watch it.

Now that you are immune to spoilers, please enjoy the transcript of Tapsell and Lui decolonising the stuffing out of Australian television.

We take up proceedings at the moment of Tapsell’s self-liberation.

MT: Fuck the fuck up! What do you dick monkeys know about racism?

MT: I’ll tell you about racism because I’ve been living with racism since the moment I shot out of my Mum. 30 years of trying to be who they want me to be Nakkiah. But it’s never good enough is it, because there’s something about us that they’ll never accept. What is it? If only I could put my little black finger on it. I’m just racking my big black brain.

MT: 30 years of smiling and making big eyes and not showing my anger. I’m done not being angry. I am angry.

MT: And if you don’t like me being angry, then by all means Australia, take my furious baton and run this race for me. Because we are dying in infancy, we are dying in custody, and we are dying decades earlier than you, and you should be as angry about that as I am. Stop being angry at families who are fleeing war zones or at schools for teaching kids properly about sex and their bodies or in any other things these bullshit shows tell you to be angry about just so they can fill a talk break. Be angry at what is happening to us for me so I’m not the only one shouting. But you know what, until you do that, FUCK ALL OF THIS SHIT! FUCK THIS RACIST CUSHION! FUCK ALL OF THESE RACIST CUSHIONS! FUCK THIS SEXIST LAMP! FUCK THESE WHITE SUPREMACIST CUPCAKES! YOU EAT ‘EM. YOU EAT ‘EM.

MT: FUCK THIS FASCIST FRUITBOWL!

MT: And you. My name is Miranda fucking Tapsell, Donna from make-up. Fuck your racist arse.

NL: You’re right Miranda. No matter how much I floss or try and pretend that I find white women funny or wear their chicken-skinned shapewear…

MT: Bitch, I can read. I went to FUCKIN’ NIDA!

NL: I will always be that smart, beautiful, funny, angry, beautiful...

MT: I’ll tell you why that room was muddy. Because STEALIN’ OUR LAND IS A DIRTY JOB.

NL: Hot, super hot, smart, angry, hot, God, I’m hot…Aboriginal girl who talks about politics and I am angry. My God. Freedom!

NL: Good morning Aboriginal people and settlers. My name is Nakkiah Nellie We’ama Hope Lui and my name means grandmother’s daughter. And I am my grandmother’s daughter.

NL: I’m a proud Gamillaroi and Torres Strait Islander woman but more than that, I just want to be your friend. Your “tidda”. I have made passionate statements about race in our country. But it’s not because I’m angry at you. It’s because I believe in you. I know the greatness we are capable of together…

MT: THIS IS FOR MY PEOPLE! SOVEREIGNTY WAS NEVER CEDED. Come on babe. Let’s go to Sunrise and FUCK THEIR SHIT UP!

NL: OKAY! Fuck GUBBAS! FUCK WHITEY! Shit on your colonisation.

MT: Hurry up!

NL: Fuck it, fuck it. BURN THIS PLACE TO THE GROUND! I’M COMIN’ TAPS! I'M COMIN’!

As you can see, there must be some kind of mistake in the betting odds, which currently have Peter Helliar at $8.00, Grant Denyer at $12.00, and Tracy Grimshaw at $16.00, yet Tapsell is nowhere to be seen.

When it comes to Australian of the Year, there seems little point considering anyone beyond Nakkiah Lui. In the last year or so alone, she’s contributed three killer plays, three hilarious TV shows, and tonnes of insightful public commentary to Australia’s cultural landscape. She speaks truth to power in ways that previous winners Alan Border, Tubby Taylor, Pat Rafter, and Steve Waugh never did.

Close the voting, stop the nominations.

And the winners are…Miranda Tapsell, Nakkiah Lui, and all past, present, and future Australians.