By Situation Theatre 2/9/2018

It's important to have a retirement plan for your mental health, especially when you’ve spent years torturing refugees.

Minister for Being the Butt of Jokes about Au Pairs Peter Dutton is wisely readying himself for unemployment as the nation readies itself to grieve the loss of our only tuber ever to have committed crimes against humanity.

The tragic victim of just desert, P-spud is weighing up alternatives for his account of how he reconciled locking up refugees in island prison camps with being a potato.

He is choosing between The Untold History of The Potato, which would focus on his secret 47-year struggle to learn how to smile, or Potato: How the Humble Spud Rescued the Western World, which, it could be argued, doesn’t seem that humble.

Dutton narrowed down his options from a longer list which included Green Potato: How I Induced Gastrointestinal Distress, Coma and Death on Manus and Nauru.