By Situation Theatre 6/8/2018

Turnbull is very seriously and thoughtfully and humbly checking behind his back for any signs of Tony Abbott.

Following a bunch of nothing-to-see-here by-elections which were totally unremarkable in every way, the Coalition is seriously considering abandoning its one economic policy.

As such, they may be forced into plan B, which is for Treasurer Scott Morrison to go into partnership with Annabel Crabb and industrialise production of his scrumptious chapattis. The Treasurer has ordered Emma Alberici to write a piece arguing that rolling out the chapattis at scale will somehow lead to wage growth across the country. She’s rightly told him to fuck off.

It’s not the only shot in the locker for the Liberals. They could of course create the equivalent of a national swear jar so Prime Minister Fiddlesticks could throw in a dollar for every public statement which contradicts a belief he once claimed he held dear.

The PM pictured trying to pick up Abbott-era policies. If you look hard enough you can see he's hoping not to upset the teetering mess of the Liberal Party while ignoring the gnawing of his own soul.

Given his bygone principled stand on climate change,

...and his past beliefs on the republic,

...and his formerly resolute commitment to tax cuts for big business, economists reckon the Prime Minister will be personally funding wage growth for 12.5 million working Australians by Christmas.

Mr Turnbull insists that this characterisation of him as about as flip-floppy as an unleavened Indian flatbread is deeply unfair.

“It’s like I’ve always said: God save the Queen, coal, and companies with a turnover of more than $50 million.”