By Situation Theatre 20/2/14
The Australian Navy is again in hot water as a new report reveals naval sextant misuse to be the cause of recent incursions into Indonesian territorial waters. While Chief of Navy Ray Griggs has blamed the high water temperatures, navigator John Merewether points to the recent cost-cutting roll-out of an 18th century invention to replace all modern GPS technology.
The government’s move to institute sextants navy wide is part of a broader austerity campaign to cut goods, services, jobs and institutions from the modern economy and replace them with cheaper, more antiquated counterparts.
In September 2013 the Climate Commission was replaced by a single Nintendo Game Boy, widely seen as more effective in the fight against climate change than Direct Action.
In November 2013, 600 jobs were cut at the CSIRO, traded for a single abacus on which remaining staff members can accurately monitor their dwindling ranks.
In December 2013 the Environmental Defenders Office was defunded, but as compensation employees each received a penny farthing so they’d stop banging on about unsustainable transport infrastructure.
While some have also complained about the $13.4 million cut from Indigenous legal services and $4.5 billion cut from Australia’s aid budget, the government has offered papyrus to catch the tears of any bleeding hearts who misunderstand the need to get the budget back into surplus.
Finally, the government has redirected the funds previously used for the Social Inclusion Board, Immigration Health Advisory Group and Public Interest Advocacy Centre to provide Walkmans for the richest 10% of Australians. This way, these folks can enjoy the smooth sounds of Frank Sinatra in peace while the rest of the nation crumbles all around them.