By Situation Theatre 13/10/2015
Bill Shorten has offered qualified assent to legislation before the House of Representatives which would dismantle the Australian Labor Party.
Following Labor's positions on the bombing of Syria, data retention, free trade agreements, the stripping of citizenships, boat turnbacks and the Border Force Act, Shorten has decided to save time and make “in-principle support” for the Liberal Party official Labor Party policy.
Of concern for Labor, Shorten’s move has placed them at great existential risk. Bound by this new party policy, the former union boss has automatically offered conditional support for the new Liberal Bill to terminate the Labor Party, pending “a bit of a look at the detail”.
The pseudo-opposition leader said: “Look, we here at the Labor Party are a bit of a waste of space. We betray our core principles on a daily basis. Our failures to reject the inhumane, sinister and unjust policies of the Liberal Party and to offer any genuine vision of our own are dragging the entire political terrain in Australia to the right. We are taking up the space that could be occupied by a genuine opposition party like The Greens. Having said that, I do really, really, really want to be Prime Minister. Give us a few days to look like we are considering the measures and then we’ll wave them through barely altered so you’ll never have to hear our spineless drivel ever again.”