By Situation Theatre 3/11/2015
It’s a move which is sure to make Peter Dutton the Nelson Mandela of Australian politics. The Immigration Minister has announced that asylum seekers successful with their refugee applications on Nauru and Manus will be resettled in Guantanamo Bay.
At a press conference this morning, Dutton said “There are only two possible policies when it comes to asylum seekers. You either let the boats come and thousands of asylum seekers drown. Or you torment thousands of asylum seekers as a deterrent. What better way to deter people and save their lives than telling them their final destination is Guantanamo Bay. In a way I’m like the lovechild of Florence Nightingale and Mahatma Gandhi.”
After complimenting Dutton on his nice hair and soufflé skills, Annabel Crabb then asked:
“Is the choice really between deaths at sea and human rights abuses? What about the many other sane and humane policy options? Like providing safe passage for asylum seekers to Australia and processing asylum seekers in the community? Like donating the $2 billion a year we spend on offshore processing to the UNHCR to help speed up claims from Indonesia? And like massively increasing our humanitarian intake?”
In response Dutton said: “Thank you Annabel, my soufflé really is luscious. To the second part of your question, you forget that asylum seekers are illegal queue jumping racketeers coming through the back door and taking the government for mugs. Guantanamo Bay is more than they deserve. It’s just a shame the Gulags are no longer available.”