By Situation Theatre 11/2/2020

Just like in Iowa, it seems silly to wait for the results when you can just pretend to win.

Handsome young billionaire butler, Pete Buttigieg, has pulled off a miracle victory in New Hampshire despite all the odds and the concept of time.

Fresh from a poll and donor boost after declaring victory in Iowa before the results were known, Pete has again capitalised on it being the year of the rat by announcing a stunning upset in New Hampshire.

Bernie Sanders says "you can't nibble around the edges," proposes government takeover of energy production. pic.twitter.com/qv6x5wMdUw
— Steve Guest (@SteveGuest) August 23, 2019

Inspired by his stunt double Juan Guaidó, the 35-year-old winner for the Oscar for best self-appointed leader in an attempted coup, Mr Buttigieg then followed up his self-declared win in New Hampshire by also declaring himself the President.

Asked about Mayor Pete’s actions, actual future President Bernie Sanders laughed and promised to give Pete a White Doll House for Christmas to keep him out of mischief while the democratic socialists get on with transforming America and the world.

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