By Situation Theatre 9/11/2019

A sack of Cook’s soggy bones will join Sky News host Chris Kenny as those most qualified to decide what’s best for Aboriginal people.

As part of their pragmatic approach to designing an Indigenous voice, the Coalition Government will send a team of divers to collect fragments of Captain Cook’s bones buried on the ocean floor off the coast of Hawaii so he can help give Indigenous people a voice to Parliament.

The denuded and mushy remnants of Cook’s corpse will join Chris Kenny as two of the 19 advisers appointed to the co-design group, which aims to make sure white oppressors have a say in how exactly Indigenous people will continue to be oppressed.

It’s good news for the conservative commentator Kenny, who in 2014, following a run in with The Chaser said “I’ll be remembered as the journalist called a dogf**ker who stood up for his rights”, and will now be remembered as the journalist called a dogf**ker who denied Aboriginal people theirs.