By Situation Theatre 13/3/2020
Hospitals at breaking point with 48.5% of Australians in a critical condition.
Australia is facing a new health crisis tonight as millions of its citizens enter intensive care with extreme cases of schadenfreude after discovering their monstrous Home Affairs Minister, who has spent six years banging on about border security, has become one of the first Australians to smuggle in the virus from overseas.
As news broke that the man who spent so much time stopping the boats, he forgot stop himself after a trip to the United States, half of Australia got high on its own supply of jokes about sending him to Christmas Island indefinitely.
Meanwhile the Dalai Lama has released a statement saying anyone trying to practice kindness and compassion should make an exception for Peter Dutton, and instead really enjoy this precious moment.