Essential spending on coal subsidies, private schools, Captain Cook statues, Paladin contracts, and ministerial holidays remains intact.

Workers to become progressively poorer, women to earn progressively less compared to men, and millionaires to dodge progressively more tax.

Of course, those earning less than $45,000 will actually get a 1972 Datsun 180b and those on over $200,000 will all receive stretch hummers.

Who needs a non-genocidal climate policy when you can just slip voters some cold hard cash?

The campaign promise to excommunicate Rupert Murdoch, who was forced to renounce his Australian citizenship in 1985 so he could own US TV stations, is tipped to significantly reduce the resources required for counter-terrorism and deliver Shorten a landslide election victory.

Surely the greatest hoax since the Liberal Party claimed to represent the Australian people.

Loyal Libs will also get an endless series of tax breaks as well as the countless other privileges of being rich and white.

The road safety magazine has taken an unexpected turn towards promotion of gun violence.

Why waste precious resources obliterating white nationalists and gun lobbyists from our political landscape when there’s still so many shonky builders to expose? It’s a bloody disgrace.

They would like you to forget that this all started with David Cameron, like all conservatives, putting his own political career ahead of millions of people who have never placed their genitalia inside a dead pig’s mouth.

The convicted paedophile thought a reference from a man who trolled an anti-domestic violence campaigner would not be a good look.

Much like seeing a total solar eclipse or a decent episode of Sunrise, many Australians thought witnessing a Prime Minister as profoundly incompetent, hypocritical, self-contradictory, embarrassing, and downright shameful as Tony Abbott would be a vanishingly rare event. They were wrong.

Perhaps there’s something wrong with neo-fascist death cult warriors drawing an equivalence between victim-blaming white nationalists and those who oppose them.

Political parties often try to maximise their votes by designing popular policies. Not the Liberals. They’ve decided their best hope for the May election is a pretty niche market.

Gough Whitlam would have been so proud of what his former research assistant has become.

Meanwhile, centrist Democrats say this is not the time to offer a meaningful policy vision.

David Cameron has a lot to answer for, but so do all conservative politicians throughout history.

What with Jacinda Ardern being Australia’s preferred Prime Minister and Waleed Aly as our preferred journalist, Scott Morrison doesn’t know whether he’s racist Arthur or peace-loving Martha.

The tweet may lead to a revision of The Mueller Report.

The lucky ducks are also being spoilt by the 60% higher electricity prices since the privatisation of the polls and wires.