It’s time we give the Morrison Government a break, kind of like the $12 billion in tax breaks they give the fossil fuel industry each year.

Aussies at a loss as to how they’ll pay next week’s food and rent are breathing a sigh of relief with the news that iron ore is forecast to be the nation’s first commodity to hit $100 billion in export earnings in a year.

The PM’s habitual flirtations with the Murdoch Press and fossil fuel industry will now be forced online.

It’s time we all pull together, ignore all the systemic causes of our problems, and stay ill-prepared for national disasters of the future.

Forget the bankrupt political ideology, the systemic corruption, the pisspoor communication, the repeated failure to heed expert warnings, and the media and opposition’s failure to hold government to account. It’s satire that’s eroding public trust in institutions.

It should come as no surprise that a man who demonstrates no value for the well-being of teachers also shows no ability to communicate.

Anyone caught using hundreds of millions of dollars allocated for community sports infrastructure for personal political gain will face severe penalties.

Meanwhile Health Minister Greg Hunt has ordered 100,000 new Turing machines to help crack the PM’s instructions.

It’s tragic to see these long lines and wonder how these dole bludgers will afford their next harbourside cocktail party.

Australians have begun to calm down from their collective panic attack now that Jacinda Ardern has taken the reins.

The Morrison Government has moved to suspend democracy for five months to mitigate any undue risks of conservative politicians contracting a social conscience.

Urgent legislation passed late last night ensure the new subs will be ready to torpedo COVID-19 by the early 2030s.

COVID-19 makes one thing clear: Bondi beachgoers are responsible for the catastrophic structural failures of neoliberalism.

If you’re confused by his 11am remarks, don’t worry, there’ll be a cascade of clarifications and re-clarifications at midday, 1pm, 2pm, 3pm, and so on.

It’s one thing for the most powerful man in the country to disregard expert evidence and advice in matters of life and death, but for ordinary Australians to behave in this way is truly appalling.

The PM has since clarified that being Australian is now un-Australian.

This coronavirus crisis really shows the suffering of private business under the increasingly burdensome laws and regulations of the government.

The $7 billion study which followed a bloke called Gary for 24 hours found yeah, probs don’t check Facebook and Twitter so much.

Praise be to a man who almost did his job for an entire press conference.