The penis fish benefitted from a wall to wall PR campaign from the Murdoch press suggesting the pink, throbbing, phallic creature was something more than a gross worm.

Much like in Australia, shameless charlatans of the media pundit class are already spinning the Labour loss as a product of “moving too far left” instead if what it clearly was, the product of a Brexit culture war which put them in a uniquely terrible electoral position. What they should have done of course was emulate the centrism of the Liberal Democrats, whose second worst performance in their 31-year history was an absolute triumph.

This historic defeat for Labour says nothing about the sinister plutocratic hijacking of democracy. What it says is Labour should have promised to kill more civilians in the Middle-East.

It’s almost as if daily attacks on the characters of decent men and the glorification of pathological liars in every major information source had some kind of impact on how the public views their political leaders.

Just as Scott Morrison’s victory for the quiet Australians prevented said Australians from losing their homes and dying in an unprecedented bushfire crisis, Boris’s pledge to “get Brexit done” will ensure Britons face a smooth exit from the European union, an equalising of the rich and poor, and a bright future under six feet of water.

On balance, our exports have really fucked them.

This latest disastrous election result bought and paid for by billionaires makes it clear yet again who’s to blame: ordinary people and/or the concept of democracy.

Morrison says he has acknowledged the impact of volcanoes on volcanic eruptions “all year”, despite explicitly stating the opposite three weeks ago.

Jeremy Corbyn is now a dead certainty to win the UK election because the polls have unanimously predicted he will lose.

Consistent with his watertight logic stolen from a climate denying former Prime Minister, Labor Leader Anthony “ScoMo” Albanese has called on little “lucifers in the suburbs” to set fire to more forest because unless they do, global emissions will increase because of the dirtier bushfires of other countries.

Thanks to an obedient media, a feeble opposition, and a pacified public apparently beguiled by the PM’s special talent for doing fuck all in the face of crisis, Smoko Morrison has been emboldened to say he “couldn’t give a shit” about the nation’s firefighters.

For the love of life on Earth, to restore some faith in humanity, and to stick it up the jumpers of Boris, Murdoch, and the entire hateful right-wing establishment, 7 billion humans have begged British voters to elect Jeremy Corbyn into number 10.

They have also promised to keep Australians safe by arming firefighters with flamethrowers.

“Pray for those who persecute you, except in the case of the Australian PM, then pray for the fires of eternal damnation.”

Inspired by bushfires, PM slashes and burns the public sector.

A new poll taken since the repeal of medevac shows many Australians think the radioactive waste would be less harmful to human well-being.

Setting aside every statement and action of Liberal Party leaders since it was founded in 1944, where on Earth these disgraceful young racist outliers learnt their racism is anybody’s guess.

Just to clarify, I said “trust in God”, not “trust in convicted sex offenders”.

In even more exhilarating news, an obscure but prophetic constitutional rule has been discovered stating that if enough people tweet #notmypm, the Prime Minister is dismissed by the Governor-General.